ERKAN FIRAT
As you
may recall, Yahya’s father Zechariah was serving as a a priest before God. An
angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing on the right side of the altar of
incense. And when Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear.
The angel said to him, “Do not be afraid Zechariah, your prayer has been
heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the
name John.” An angel of the Lord had appeared to John’s father, Zechariah. “For
my birth, no angel had appeared to my dad, if an angel had appeared, it would
have been better.”
I used to listen to my childhood stories told by my parents and mostly, by my aunt (to whom I feel close to). They used to tell like this “When you were born, you were this big, the doctors said that you would not live, but you made it through. You used to be naughty, you used to wiggle, cry, break things and eat a lot.
I was born in 1979, actually it starts just like any other story, but it does not end like everyone else’s story. Revelation 3:20a Because I have heard the voice of Jesus Christ and I have opened the door of my heart.
I do not know exactly how old my parents were when they met, I guess my father was 18, my mother was 16 when they met in Germany. As the result of this relationship, my mom was two months pregnant. Even though my mother’s family protested to this relationship, my parents got married officially in Turkey and seven months later, I was born. At the beginning, they were like a good family, but in the second year of their marriage they split up officially. My mother’s family was right.
After my mom was separated from my dad, she started living in Istanbul by herself. My mother’s father was so angry with her that because she had married with my dad, he did not want to see neither my mom nor me until he passed away and all of this have happened. Only in my twenties, I had called him, but there was not much to talk about. My mom had been left to live alone by her whole family except her sister.
In order to survive my mother’s only option would be either to sell her body or even when the scars of her first marriage were very new, in her heart she was going to make a second marriage. I am not sure exactly if she married willingly or unwillingly for the second time, I do not know but in the years to come, I had listened to her and she was saying that she had regretted her decision very much.
After my mom got married for the second time, a year later they had sent me to live with another family. What was the exact reason behind this, how did the conditions develop so that my mother accepted my living with another family I do not know, even now, I still have not learned the answer to this question.
Until the age of 13, an elderly couple brought me up living in Severek district (located beween Şanlıurfa and Diyarbakır) who had no children. This is also the same place my mother’s second husband- my dad was brought up. The elderly couple I was staying with were really taking care of me well and they really loved me very much.
During the period I had stayed there, if not every year, my mom and my dad living in Istanbul, my aunt living and my sister in Switzerland visited me as often as they could. Whenever they came and visited me, they brought me clothing, toys, chocolate and picture drawing materials and I used to show off these to the other kids. The toys did not last very long, they used to get broken after a couple of days.
My parents were living in Istanbul, when they had visited me, this had always frightened me. Whenever they came, I always thought that they they would take me away from the elderly couple, but also at the same time, when they left I would be also very sad. Of course, several weeks later I used to forget very easily.
But of course, I knew that I had to leave the elderly couple one day. They always used to ask me, you will not leave the elderly couple and go away, will you? Whenever they asked me this question, even though I had said no, in 1992, I came to Istanbul and I had started a new living which I did not know at all and to which I could not get used to.
When I was living in Siverek, during the first five years, I could not be a very successful student since I went with the only purpose of learning Turkish. This thinking was not unique to me, but now many things have changed. Since my parents knew that I was not that successful regarding schooling, in sixth grade, they ended my school education.
Just then, started my adventure as a carpenter. Until the year of 1994, I have worked as an apprentice at a carpenter’s workshop and I have increased my knowledge in this area. Carpentry, besides being a good trade, it is also a dusty trade. The master craftsman I have worked with were very cheerful and very funny. Even today, I cannot forget them.
In 1992-94, my parents were going through serious problems, my parents were always arguing, they were always shouting at each other and because both of them were very stubborn and very angry, they could never apologize to each other. At least, I have never witnessed this. When my father was angry, he used to beat me, when my mom was angry, she used to throw the plates on the walls. Finally, they decided to split up and my mom’ s second marriage had also ended.
When these events started to occur in our days of hardship, my aunt living in Switzerland used to come to Istanbul so that she could be with us. We had bought our bus tickets, several days later we were going to Siverek, but both my mom and my aunt were acting rather suspiciously. It was as if they were making some plans; I could not give meaning to either. The first thing which came to my mind was that my aunt would not allow my stepfather to take us to the village, moreover, I thought that she would take us together with her to Switzerland.
For several days they had been speaking, even though it was not how I had guessed, it was understood that it had to do with me. My mom and my aunt wanted to speak with me in order to share their secret which they had kept until now. I have not forgotten these words even today.“My son Erkan well your dad.” I asked what has happened to my father “Your father Hüseyin is not your real dad” “Until that moment, I had thought that this man was my real dad”
They thought that I would be very sad because of this incident, believe me I was not sad at all, there was a sweet smile on my face because this man always beat me up and I was very afraid of him.
For this reason, I was very happy when I heard that this man was not my real father. I decided to start a new page in my life. I have spoken with my actual father and he invited me. He had seen me when I was one year old, but still, he was very curious to meet me. Of course, I was very excited.
In March 1999, in order to start a new page in my life, I headed off to Denizli. I thought that everything would go well, but I was mistaken. I met my actual father in Denizli bus terminal, but I wish that I did not because I have lived both the hardest years and the gloomiest years of my life there.
Between 1995-1997 years, the words told by my father has left very deep scars in my life. Sometimes I wished; I prayed that he would slap me on the face instead of speaking so harshly. During these years even though I had no place to go; I was expelled from home by my actual father three times.
By his wife I had been strongly falsely accused and I was expelled from home for the fourth time and when I had left home, I had money enough for couple of days, but I had no place to go. Many times I have called my mom who was living in Istanbul, but she was speaking very distantly to me. Since she had started a new life with another man, I was not wanted. As a last resort, I called my stepfather, asked if I could stay with him. He shut the doors on me. I thought, if my aunt, whose love I am sure of were here, these things would not have happened, but I did not have the money to call my aunt either.
That night was the night when I felt very helpless and was one of the unforgettable nights of my life. I did not have money to stay in a hotel, therefore, I had to stay in a park. That night I was threatened to be sexually harrassed in such a disgusting way that I cannot put into words clearly. The emotions I felt at that moment and the words going through my mind were “My biological father, my stepfather I hate you both and mom, I hate you also.”.These were the words…
I was seventeen years old and I was very afraid, at that moment, the first thought which came to my mind was that I should go to a crowded place. I had rejected the lout who wanted to be with me and I had gone to Denizli bus station. I had stayed there for two nights. During the period I have stayed there I thought to myself that perhaps, I would get on the bus and go to someplace, but because I did not know what the future held, I was also very afraid of going to a different place. I was looking for a job at which I could work during the day in the industry, at a carpenter’s shop, I found several jobs, because they did not give lodging; I could not work. I went through the door of a hotel in the city center. I asked to the receptionist if they needed staff. The receptionist took me with the elevator to the third floor, she introduced me to a lady.
She asked me what I kind of a job I could do. I told her that I did not work in a hotel before, but I told her that I would do any kind of job she would give me. The woman wanted to get to know me a little bit, I told her that it would not be possible to tell my story. Thanks to her! She did not ask more questions. This hotel has been a wonderful experience for me, otherwise, I do not know where I would have been and what kind of jobs I would have been doing. The hotel had given me lodging and besides, I was given meals at the hotel and at the end of the month, I was paid monthly, too
My job was not that hard either, I had to take clean towels from the laundry and bring clean towels, clean sheets to the housekeepers, besides, I took the dirty ones to the laundry. Also, I had to mop the hotel lobby and I had to wipe the long glass, too. My job ended at 17.00. I would go to my room, I really loved my job. From time to time, I went out together with my waiter friends who were working late. But in general, in order not to meet my biological father, for a year, I did not step out of the hotel at all.
Every morning when I was wiping off the glass, I would pray that I would not meet acquaintances. It was not because of pride, it was rather due to the fact that I was angry at everyone I knew. One morning when I was wiping the glass, I met my biological father’s relative. He told me that my biological father, his wife and his daughter had all moved to Antalya and that they had left a telephone number for me to call.
I do not know how exactly it happened, I do not know what went through my mind at that moment and I do not remember why I did it and I called my biological father who was living in Antalya. We did not talk about problems, we only asked each other how we were. I have thought for a couple of days, I decided to make a new start with my biological father.
At the beginning of 1998, I came to the house of my biological father living in Antalya. My dad was not speaking as harshly as before, we were not speaking much either. There wasn’t such a deep relationship between us. Across from our building where we were living, a seventeen year old lady was living, a special friendship started with the lady. We had very pleasant feelings for each other, but her family, I wish her family had not interfered…
One day, my girlfriend invited me to her home, I was very naive, I was unaware of the trap set up for me and after staying for several hours, I returned to my home. In the evening, my girlfriend’s mother, my girlfriend’s sister and my girlfriend’s father came to visit us, but they were very angry. At the beginning, we could not understand what was happening. Her mother was speaking outrageously with my biological father, pointing at me and saying” Your son has had sexual intercourse with my daughter, your son has caused my daughter to lose her virginity. Even though I have explained that no such incident had happened, I could not persuade anyone. Moreover, my biological father too did not believe me. My biological father and his wife told me “Since you have made a great blunder, it is up to you to clear this great blunder. Look, we have a daughter, too and we do not want your girlfriend’s family to harm our daughter.” Faced with this incident, they left me all alone.
Because my girlfriend was only seventeen years old, also they threatened me saying that they would file a complaint about it to the police.There was not much to do, faced with the situation, even when my father did not believe me and unwillingly, I got married. And I was not happy at all and even thinking about this incident, made me nauseate.
In February 1999, I started fulfilling my military service. My wife knew that we would split up after my military service ended, she said in a surprising way that she was expecting a baby. I did not want to have kids and be a father at that young age.
Bu this was one of her tricks, because my wife thought that I would divorce her and in order for me to be committed to her, she got pregnant and I had a son.
After eighteen months of military service, because I had no place to go, I went and stayed with my biological father. After a short while, I divorced my wife because I had married unwillingly and I was very unhappy.
My biological father had met a Christian whose name was Ercan who was distributing and selling Bibles at Antalya Portakal Film Festival Stand and my father had bought a Bible for himself from the book stand. My biological father had read the Bible and he had visited Antalya Evangelical Church, he had met some belivers there and he had even become a Christian.
Later, my father and my household told me that they went to a church and that they became Christians. When I asked them why they became Christians, my biological father said that his job was not going well, he said “ perhaps I can meet somebody from the church and I can do business with him”. Perhaps, they had really become Christians, but they could not explain it to me.
During those days, Hasan Mezarcı, a former member of the parliament was saying on the television that he was Messiah himself. For the first time in my life I have heard the word Messiah and I wondered what it meant. I was not a good Moslem, I did not perform the rituals, I did not perform the namaz; I did not go to the mosques, I had never recited the Koran. On the other hand, by reading the Bible, by going to church, I felt like I was betraying my country and the religion of Islam.
One evening, Hans and his very precious wife Ann visited us. Apparently, it was a very strange feeling. My household was doing the preparation lessons for baptism (just as we do now) with Hans and Ann. In the next days, even though I was intrigued by what I heard, I could not ask any questions to anyone because of my pride. Therefore, I was sitting in the kitchen but stil, I was able to hear the talks behind the doors. Even though I could not understand exactly, verses were being read from the Bible. Jesus said this here, Jesus said that that there they were talking about what Jesus had said. Since I was sitting in the kitchen, I had made Turkish coffee for them.
After everything was over, Hans and his wife Ann said that they would like to pray for us. Then, they called me from the kitchen to the living room. For the first time in my life, some people were saying, we would like to pray for you, how can we pray for you? It was a situation I was not used to. In the religion of Islam, nobody asks each other’s prayer requests, we usually read verses/ prayers which we have memorized, but still, we do not know the meaning of the verses/ prayers and we say ‘amen’ and that’s it. Also, I need to confess that when we were asked this question, we did not know what to say. Because we were worked at the same place of employment, paying the travel expenses every day was hard for us. Somedays because we did not have the money for the travel expenses, we did not go to work or we walked to work. My dad asked them to pray for this issue.
When praying, everyone closed their hands, joined hands, bowed their heads except me. I did not do like them, actually I could not do it. Hans and his wife Ann started praying about my dad’s request in Turkish. As far as I can remember, Hans had prayed like this “Dear Lord, we bring this family’s prayer request to you, Jesus, we are coming before you”.
As a matter of fact, I need to confess.[I am writing this confession for the first time] After this incident, for the first time I admired this God these people believe and I was curious to learn. When l had laid down in my bed at night and during the next couple of days I had thought of this prayer. What kind of God do these people have? And they can bring even the slightest subject to God and they can pray about this subject. Is it the same in the religion of Islam? In Islam, is it permitted to disturb God even with the slightest subjects? No.
At that moment, when I had heard this prayer, I had laughed to myself, why are you disturbing God even with the slightest, little jobs, let’s us come before our God with more serious subjects. “Hans thanks very much for praying that way and please continue to pray that way.”
In the coming weeks, I had started going to church together with my household, I cannot write you in detail what happened at that moment, how I went to the church. But as far as I can remember, my household was going to an outing with the church congregation, they had invited me, too, because I had nothing to do on that Sunday morning; I had gone along with my household to church on that Sunday morning.
I did not go to church because I have read the Bible or because the Bible has touched me very much or because I was curious to see the church or because I was curious to see who these Christians are, how they live… There was not anything to do on Sunday morning, I had gone to church that day only with the purpose of going on an outing. Even though the outing was exhausting, generally speaking, it was very good. I met different and new people and I made friends. I met the youth at the church and I started attending youth meeting on Saturdays. I was having fun time with the youth.
But stil, I had not read the Bible thoroughly, but I still was keeping a small Bible in my backpack. Only at the business place I worked at I used to take and read the Bible during the lunch breaks, then the other employees were angry with me and they were asking me why I was reading these kind of things. Sometimes they used to ask me, will you be a missionary. Of course, I did not know what this meant, I thought only that probably this would be a bad thing. And sometimes, I used to give examples of beautiful quotes from the Bible, then they used to get angry with me and they asked me ‘Did you become a Christian?’ Until then, I did not know that Christianity was hated in Turkey and that the people who became Christians were disliked and were despised very much, I was speaking with the people around me with completely innocent thoughts. As the people got angry with me, I started spending more time with the church and with the people at the church.
Anyway, I was calling myself Christian, but believe me, I did not have that much of a knowledge. I was reading the Bible, but I could not understand it completely. I was attending worship services, but I did not know how it would go and what I would do. Jesus died for us and Jesus arose from the dead on the third day, I still do not quite comprehend the full notion of a resurrected Jesus Christ. I was attending only to the youth meetings and I was having a great time, that was it.
Couple of times, I fell in love with a girl in the youth group, but I later realized that this is an issue which must not be hurried at all. I advise you not to hurry at all.
My biological father, his wife and his daughter had suddenly decided to move to Denizli, but I did not want to go with them, besides I had very bad memories there. My second reason why I did not want to go with them was, I was very used to church and I had also liked it. Also, I had a different kind of love for Antalya. I did not want to leave Antalya and go along with them. Then, I decided to live by myself in the same rented home where we had lived together previously with my family. The rent of my home was very high, due to this reason I decided to share my home with my brother Metin, who had been a newcomer at church at the time.
I had accepted Christianity, but I did not know how I should be fully living Christianity. Believe me I am still trying to learn. But during those days, even though I called myself ‘Christian’, I had a such bad living. In my group of friends, I always had a girlfriend, discotheque was my second address. Sometimes, I was also attending marihuana parties with my non-Christian friends. Meantime, I was also addicted with pornography. I never hesitated to fight with somebody. There have been many times during which I was beaten. In the back pocket of my jeans, I always had my knife.
One night we were talking with my girlfriend, we were planning to drink. Later in the night, my girlfriend’s previous boyfriend rang the door bell, he said that he would like to speak with me and he invited me outside. I went downstairs from the fourth floor. It was a foregone conclusion that he came to beat me up. In reality he could have beaten me up but he was a bulky man. Also, he was not alone, there was a lady with him.
We were standing across from each other and he asked me the question “Why are you dating my previous girlfriend?”. Without waiting for me to respond, he started hitting my head with the iron knuckles he had been wearing on his fingers and my head started bleeding. At that moment, I took the my knife out of the back pocket of my jeans and I swung it several times at the man across from me. He was also shouting “Come on, come on why are you stopping, come on hit me, why are you waiting?”
I backed up and I started shouting, “ I do not want to fight with you”; I told him to leave, come back later and later let us sit down and talk ‘man to man’ At that moment, he walked on me once again. He started shouting “No, we will deal with it tonight.”, at that moment, I started hitting death blows to his legs, to his stomach, and several to his chest. Meanwhile, he said , “Have some guts, have some guts, drop the knife, drop it, fight with me like a man” and then, he left.
I had not seen, but according to what my girlfriend had told me, after hundred meters, the person I fought with had fallen to the ground. A woman alongside him had put him in a taxi, then she had left the place. At that moment, we had left the home and we had gone to another friend’s home. In the morning when I woke up, I wished that all of these would only be a joke and a dream, then all would have been over, but all was real. First thing in the morning, we went together with my girlfriend to ‘Courthouse’, we told all of these events we had gone through to the prosecuting attorney. Because I had committed a crime, two policemen came and took me to the police station.
The next morning, I appeared before the judge, the judge sent me to the prison so that I would be jailed pending trial. Now, here, starts everything.
When I was going to the prison, I just had a backpack, inside was a music player and there was a Bible, but when I went to prison, they took my backpack and they put into a storeroom. They told me that I would take my backpack when I leave the prison. During the first days of the prison, I felt like I was in a funeral house, but I got used to it after a week. They took me from my first place in the prison to a more peaceful place. The people I met there treated me really well, even though they had learned that I was a Christian. Now I do not remember the names of the people I have met there at all, but if they ever read what I have written, I would like to thank them especially.
I have remembered my Bible in my backpack. I had nothing to do in the prison, therefore I could read my Bible. Then, I wrote a petition “To The Attention of Management of Prison, as a person with Christian faith, since I would like to read my Bible, I would like to take my Bible which is in a backpack in your storeroom. Several days later, they had brought me Bible which was in my backpack. I had read my Bible thoroughly, day and night, as I read I understood it, as I understood it, I thought, as I thought, I started adopting in principle more and more.
A year before I entered prison, I could not say that I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Personal Saviour. There, at that moment, I had understood and I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, that he had died for my sins and that he rose from the death on the third day. There, at that moment, I had faith that Jesus Christ is as my Lord and my Saviour and in the name of Jesus, I have asked Jesus to forgive me of all my sins.
Two months later, when I had left the prison and came home, I had nothing at home. Somebody had put a truck in front of our home and had taken away all of my belongings. That night a brother named Jeff had invited me over to his house, but because I had just wanted to be left alone, I wanted to sleep in an empty home. Thanks to him, at midnight, he had brought a blanket for me. I had neither a job nor I had any money in my pocket. Perhaps, my pastor may remember. I remember just like yesterday, we were sitting at the church office, we were talking, he had given me 30TL from his pocket until I could find a job and could make a living. On that day, if the Lord had not spoken through you, if the Lord had not held my hand through you, I do not know where I would be today. On that day, we were praying together, meanwhile I was crying, too and at that moment, Ramazan asked me the question “What would you like to do now?” If Ramazan had not asked me this question, perhaps I may not have answered like this “I will start everything from scratch!”
And so it has happened that way, I have not thought of my past had been nullified, I have started everything together with Jesus Christ. My dear friend, if you have read what I have written until the end; I am asking the same question to you “What would you like to do now?”
Erkan FIRAT / Elder Of Antalya Evangelical Church
I used to listen to my childhood stories told by my parents and mostly, by my aunt (to whom I feel close to). They used to tell like this “When you were born, you were this big, the doctors said that you would not live, but you made it through. You used to be naughty, you used to wiggle, cry, break things and eat a lot.
I was born in 1979, actually it starts just like any other story, but it does not end like everyone else’s story. Revelation 3:20a Because I have heard the voice of Jesus Christ and I have opened the door of my heart.
I do not know exactly how old my parents were when they met, I guess my father was 18, my mother was 16 when they met in Germany. As the result of this relationship, my mom was two months pregnant. Even though my mother’s family protested to this relationship, my parents got married officially in Turkey and seven months later, I was born. At the beginning, they were like a good family, but in the second year of their marriage they split up officially. My mother’s family was right.
After my mom was separated from my dad, she started living in Istanbul by herself. My mother’s father was so angry with her that because she had married with my dad, he did not want to see neither my mom nor me until he passed away and all of this have happened. Only in my twenties, I had called him, but there was not much to talk about. My mom had been left to live alone by her whole family except her sister.
In order to survive my mother’s only option would be either to sell her body or even when the scars of her first marriage were very new, in her heart she was going to make a second marriage. I am not sure exactly if she married willingly or unwillingly for the second time, I do not know but in the years to come, I had listened to her and she was saying that she had regretted her decision very much.
After my mom got married for the second time, a year later they had sent me to live with another family. What was the exact reason behind this, how did the conditions develop so that my mother accepted my living with another family I do not know, even now, I still have not learned the answer to this question.
Until the age of 13, an elderly couple brought me up living in Severek district (located beween Şanlıurfa and Diyarbakır) who had no children. This is also the same place my mother’s second husband- my dad was brought up. The elderly couple I was staying with were really taking care of me well and they really loved me very much.
During the period I had stayed there, if not every year, my mom and my dad living in Istanbul, my aunt living and my sister in Switzerland visited me as often as they could. Whenever they came and visited me, they brought me clothing, toys, chocolate and picture drawing materials and I used to show off these to the other kids. The toys did not last very long, they used to get broken after a couple of days.
My parents were living in Istanbul, when they had visited me, this had always frightened me. Whenever they came, I always thought that they they would take me away from the elderly couple, but also at the same time, when they left I would be also very sad. Of course, several weeks later I used to forget very easily.
But of course, I knew that I had to leave the elderly couple one day. They always used to ask me, you will not leave the elderly couple and go away, will you? Whenever they asked me this question, even though I had said no, in 1992, I came to Istanbul and I had started a new living which I did not know at all and to which I could not get used to.
When I was living in Siverek, during the first five years, I could not be a very successful student since I went with the only purpose of learning Turkish. This thinking was not unique to me, but now many things have changed. Since my parents knew that I was not that successful regarding schooling, in sixth grade, they ended my school education.
Just then, started my adventure as a carpenter. Until the year of 1994, I have worked as an apprentice at a carpenter’s workshop and I have increased my knowledge in this area. Carpentry, besides being a good trade, it is also a dusty trade. The master craftsman I have worked with were very cheerful and very funny. Even today, I cannot forget them.
In 1992-94, my parents were going through serious problems, my parents were always arguing, they were always shouting at each other and because both of them were very stubborn and very angry, they could never apologize to each other. At least, I have never witnessed this. When my father was angry, he used to beat me, when my mom was angry, she used to throw the plates on the walls. Finally, they decided to split up and my mom’ s second marriage had also ended.
When these events started to occur in our days of hardship, my aunt living in Switzerland used to come to Istanbul so that she could be with us. We had bought our bus tickets, several days later we were going to Siverek, but both my mom and my aunt were acting rather suspiciously. It was as if they were making some plans; I could not give meaning to either. The first thing which came to my mind was that my aunt would not allow my stepfather to take us to the village, moreover, I thought that she would take us together with her to Switzerland.
For several days they had been speaking, even though it was not how I had guessed, it was understood that it had to do with me. My mom and my aunt wanted to speak with me in order to share their secret which they had kept until now. I have not forgotten these words even today.“My son Erkan well your dad.” I asked what has happened to my father “Your father Hüseyin is not your real dad” “Until that moment, I had thought that this man was my real dad”
They thought that I would be very sad because of this incident, believe me I was not sad at all, there was a sweet smile on my face because this man always beat me up and I was very afraid of him.
For this reason, I was very happy when I heard that this man was not my real father. I decided to start a new page in my life. I have spoken with my actual father and he invited me. He had seen me when I was one year old, but still, he was very curious to meet me. Of course, I was very excited.
In March 1999, in order to start a new page in my life, I headed off to Denizli. I thought that everything would go well, but I was mistaken. I met my actual father in Denizli bus terminal, but I wish that I did not because I have lived both the hardest years and the gloomiest years of my life there.
Between 1995-1997 years, the words told by my father has left very deep scars in my life. Sometimes I wished; I prayed that he would slap me on the face instead of speaking so harshly. During these years even though I had no place to go; I was expelled from home by my actual father three times.
By his wife I had been strongly falsely accused and I was expelled from home for the fourth time and when I had left home, I had money enough for couple of days, but I had no place to go. Many times I have called my mom who was living in Istanbul, but she was speaking very distantly to me. Since she had started a new life with another man, I was not wanted. As a last resort, I called my stepfather, asked if I could stay with him. He shut the doors on me. I thought, if my aunt, whose love I am sure of were here, these things would not have happened, but I did not have the money to call my aunt either.
That night was the night when I felt very helpless and was one of the unforgettable nights of my life. I did not have money to stay in a hotel, therefore, I had to stay in a park. That night I was threatened to be sexually harrassed in such a disgusting way that I cannot put into words clearly. The emotions I felt at that moment and the words going through my mind were “My biological father, my stepfather I hate you both and mom, I hate you also.”.These were the words…
I was seventeen years old and I was very afraid, at that moment, the first thought which came to my mind was that I should go to a crowded place. I had rejected the lout who wanted to be with me and I had gone to Denizli bus station. I had stayed there for two nights. During the period I have stayed there I thought to myself that perhaps, I would get on the bus and go to someplace, but because I did not know what the future held, I was also very afraid of going to a different place. I was looking for a job at which I could work during the day in the industry, at a carpenter’s shop, I found several jobs, because they did not give lodging; I could not work. I went through the door of a hotel in the city center. I asked to the receptionist if they needed staff. The receptionist took me with the elevator to the third floor, she introduced me to a lady.
She asked me what I kind of a job I could do. I told her that I did not work in a hotel before, but I told her that I would do any kind of job she would give me. The woman wanted to get to know me a little bit, I told her that it would not be possible to tell my story. Thanks to her! She did not ask more questions. This hotel has been a wonderful experience for me, otherwise, I do not know where I would have been and what kind of jobs I would have been doing. The hotel had given me lodging and besides, I was given meals at the hotel and at the end of the month, I was paid monthly, too
My job was not that hard either, I had to take clean towels from the laundry and bring clean towels, clean sheets to the housekeepers, besides, I took the dirty ones to the laundry. Also, I had to mop the hotel lobby and I had to wipe the long glass, too. My job ended at 17.00. I would go to my room, I really loved my job. From time to time, I went out together with my waiter friends who were working late. But in general, in order not to meet my biological father, for a year, I did not step out of the hotel at all.
Every morning when I was wiping off the glass, I would pray that I would not meet acquaintances. It was not because of pride, it was rather due to the fact that I was angry at everyone I knew. One morning when I was wiping the glass, I met my biological father’s relative. He told me that my biological father, his wife and his daughter had all moved to Antalya and that they had left a telephone number for me to call.
I do not know how exactly it happened, I do not know what went through my mind at that moment and I do not remember why I did it and I called my biological father who was living in Antalya. We did not talk about problems, we only asked each other how we were. I have thought for a couple of days, I decided to make a new start with my biological father.
At the beginning of 1998, I came to the house of my biological father living in Antalya. My dad was not speaking as harshly as before, we were not speaking much either. There wasn’t such a deep relationship between us. Across from our building where we were living, a seventeen year old lady was living, a special friendship started with the lady. We had very pleasant feelings for each other, but her family, I wish her family had not interfered…
One day, my girlfriend invited me to her home, I was very naive, I was unaware of the trap set up for me and after staying for several hours, I returned to my home. In the evening, my girlfriend’s mother, my girlfriend’s sister and my girlfriend’s father came to visit us, but they were very angry. At the beginning, we could not understand what was happening. Her mother was speaking outrageously with my biological father, pointing at me and saying” Your son has had sexual intercourse with my daughter, your son has caused my daughter to lose her virginity. Even though I have explained that no such incident had happened, I could not persuade anyone. Moreover, my biological father too did not believe me. My biological father and his wife told me “Since you have made a great blunder, it is up to you to clear this great blunder. Look, we have a daughter, too and we do not want your girlfriend’s family to harm our daughter.” Faced with this incident, they left me all alone.
Because my girlfriend was only seventeen years old, also they threatened me saying that they would file a complaint about it to the police.There was not much to do, faced with the situation, even when my father did not believe me and unwillingly, I got married. And I was not happy at all and even thinking about this incident, made me nauseate.
In February 1999, I started fulfilling my military service. My wife knew that we would split up after my military service ended, she said in a surprising way that she was expecting a baby. I did not want to have kids and be a father at that young age.
Bu this was one of her tricks, because my wife thought that I would divorce her and in order for me to be committed to her, she got pregnant and I had a son.
After eighteen months of military service, because I had no place to go, I went and stayed with my biological father. After a short while, I divorced my wife because I had married unwillingly and I was very unhappy.
My biological father had met a Christian whose name was Ercan who was distributing and selling Bibles at Antalya Portakal Film Festival Stand and my father had bought a Bible for himself from the book stand. My biological father had read the Bible and he had visited Antalya Evangelical Church, he had met some belivers there and he had even become a Christian.
Later, my father and my household told me that they went to a church and that they became Christians. When I asked them why they became Christians, my biological father said that his job was not going well, he said “ perhaps I can meet somebody from the church and I can do business with him”. Perhaps, they had really become Christians, but they could not explain it to me.
During those days, Hasan Mezarcı, a former member of the parliament was saying on the television that he was Messiah himself. For the first time in my life I have heard the word Messiah and I wondered what it meant. I was not a good Moslem, I did not perform the rituals, I did not perform the namaz; I did not go to the mosques, I had never recited the Koran. On the other hand, by reading the Bible, by going to church, I felt like I was betraying my country and the religion of Islam.
One evening, Hans and his very precious wife Ann visited us. Apparently, it was a very strange feeling. My household was doing the preparation lessons for baptism (just as we do now) with Hans and Ann. In the next days, even though I was intrigued by what I heard, I could not ask any questions to anyone because of my pride. Therefore, I was sitting in the kitchen but stil, I was able to hear the talks behind the doors. Even though I could not understand exactly, verses were being read from the Bible. Jesus said this here, Jesus said that that there they were talking about what Jesus had said. Since I was sitting in the kitchen, I had made Turkish coffee for them.
After everything was over, Hans and his wife Ann said that they would like to pray for us. Then, they called me from the kitchen to the living room. For the first time in my life, some people were saying, we would like to pray for you, how can we pray for you? It was a situation I was not used to. In the religion of Islam, nobody asks each other’s prayer requests, we usually read verses/ prayers which we have memorized, but still, we do not know the meaning of the verses/ prayers and we say ‘amen’ and that’s it. Also, I need to confess that when we were asked this question, we did not know what to say. Because we were worked at the same place of employment, paying the travel expenses every day was hard for us. Somedays because we did not have the money for the travel expenses, we did not go to work or we walked to work. My dad asked them to pray for this issue.
When praying, everyone closed their hands, joined hands, bowed their heads except me. I did not do like them, actually I could not do it. Hans and his wife Ann started praying about my dad’s request in Turkish. As far as I can remember, Hans had prayed like this “Dear Lord, we bring this family’s prayer request to you, Jesus, we are coming before you”.
As a matter of fact, I need to confess.[I am writing this confession for the first time] After this incident, for the first time I admired this God these people believe and I was curious to learn. When l had laid down in my bed at night and during the next couple of days I had thought of this prayer. What kind of God do these people have? And they can bring even the slightest subject to God and they can pray about this subject. Is it the same in the religion of Islam? In Islam, is it permitted to disturb God even with the slightest subjects? No.
At that moment, when I had heard this prayer, I had laughed to myself, why are you disturbing God even with the slightest, little jobs, let’s us come before our God with more serious subjects. “Hans thanks very much for praying that way and please continue to pray that way.”
In the coming weeks, I had started going to church together with my household, I cannot write you in detail what happened at that moment, how I went to the church. But as far as I can remember, my household was going to an outing with the church congregation, they had invited me, too, because I had nothing to do on that Sunday morning; I had gone along with my household to church on that Sunday morning.
I did not go to church because I have read the Bible or because the Bible has touched me very much or because I was curious to see the church or because I was curious to see who these Christians are, how they live… There was not anything to do on Sunday morning, I had gone to church that day only with the purpose of going on an outing. Even though the outing was exhausting, generally speaking, it was very good. I met different and new people and I made friends. I met the youth at the church and I started attending youth meeting on Saturdays. I was having fun time with the youth.
But stil, I had not read the Bible thoroughly, but I still was keeping a small Bible in my backpack. Only at the business place I worked at I used to take and read the Bible during the lunch breaks, then the other employees were angry with me and they were asking me why I was reading these kind of things. Sometimes they used to ask me, will you be a missionary. Of course, I did not know what this meant, I thought only that probably this would be a bad thing. And sometimes, I used to give examples of beautiful quotes from the Bible, then they used to get angry with me and they asked me ‘Did you become a Christian?’ Until then, I did not know that Christianity was hated in Turkey and that the people who became Christians were disliked and were despised very much, I was speaking with the people around me with completely innocent thoughts. As the people got angry with me, I started spending more time with the church and with the people at the church.
Anyway, I was calling myself Christian, but believe me, I did not have that much of a knowledge. I was reading the Bible, but I could not understand it completely. I was attending worship services, but I did not know how it would go and what I would do. Jesus died for us and Jesus arose from the dead on the third day, I still do not quite comprehend the full notion of a resurrected Jesus Christ. I was attending only to the youth meetings and I was having a great time, that was it.
Couple of times, I fell in love with a girl in the youth group, but I later realized that this is an issue which must not be hurried at all. I advise you not to hurry at all.
My biological father, his wife and his daughter had suddenly decided to move to Denizli, but I did not want to go with them, besides I had very bad memories there. My second reason why I did not want to go with them was, I was very used to church and I had also liked it. Also, I had a different kind of love for Antalya. I did not want to leave Antalya and go along with them. Then, I decided to live by myself in the same rented home where we had lived together previously with my family. The rent of my home was very high, due to this reason I decided to share my home with my brother Metin, who had been a newcomer at church at the time.
I had accepted Christianity, but I did not know how I should be fully living Christianity. Believe me I am still trying to learn. But during those days, even though I called myself ‘Christian’, I had a such bad living. In my group of friends, I always had a girlfriend, discotheque was my second address. Sometimes, I was also attending marihuana parties with my non-Christian friends. Meantime, I was also addicted with pornography. I never hesitated to fight with somebody. There have been many times during which I was beaten. In the back pocket of my jeans, I always had my knife.
One night we were talking with my girlfriend, we were planning to drink. Later in the night, my girlfriend’s previous boyfriend rang the door bell, he said that he would like to speak with me and he invited me outside. I went downstairs from the fourth floor. It was a foregone conclusion that he came to beat me up. In reality he could have beaten me up but he was a bulky man. Also, he was not alone, there was a lady with him.
We were standing across from each other and he asked me the question “Why are you dating my previous girlfriend?”. Without waiting for me to respond, he started hitting my head with the iron knuckles he had been wearing on his fingers and my head started bleeding. At that moment, I took the my knife out of the back pocket of my jeans and I swung it several times at the man across from me. He was also shouting “Come on, come on why are you stopping, come on hit me, why are you waiting?”
I backed up and I started shouting, “ I do not want to fight with you”; I told him to leave, come back later and later let us sit down and talk ‘man to man’ At that moment, he walked on me once again. He started shouting “No, we will deal with it tonight.”, at that moment, I started hitting death blows to his legs, to his stomach, and several to his chest. Meanwhile, he said , “Have some guts, have some guts, drop the knife, drop it, fight with me like a man” and then, he left.
I had not seen, but according to what my girlfriend had told me, after hundred meters, the person I fought with had fallen to the ground. A woman alongside him had put him in a taxi, then she had left the place. At that moment, we had left the home and we had gone to another friend’s home. In the morning when I woke up, I wished that all of these would only be a joke and a dream, then all would have been over, but all was real. First thing in the morning, we went together with my girlfriend to ‘Courthouse’, we told all of these events we had gone through to the prosecuting attorney. Because I had committed a crime, two policemen came and took me to the police station.
The next morning, I appeared before the judge, the judge sent me to the prison so that I would be jailed pending trial. Now, here, starts everything.
When I was going to the prison, I just had a backpack, inside was a music player and there was a Bible, but when I went to prison, they took my backpack and they put into a storeroom. They told me that I would take my backpack when I leave the prison. During the first days of the prison, I felt like I was in a funeral house, but I got used to it after a week. They took me from my first place in the prison to a more peaceful place. The people I met there treated me really well, even though they had learned that I was a Christian. Now I do not remember the names of the people I have met there at all, but if they ever read what I have written, I would like to thank them especially.
I have remembered my Bible in my backpack. I had nothing to do in the prison, therefore I could read my Bible. Then, I wrote a petition “To The Attention of Management of Prison, as a person with Christian faith, since I would like to read my Bible, I would like to take my Bible which is in a backpack in your storeroom. Several days later, they had brought me Bible which was in my backpack. I had read my Bible thoroughly, day and night, as I read I understood it, as I understood it, I thought, as I thought, I started adopting in principle more and more.
A year before I entered prison, I could not say that I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Personal Saviour. There, at that moment, I had understood and I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, that he had died for my sins and that he rose from the death on the third day. There, at that moment, I had faith that Jesus Christ is as my Lord and my Saviour and in the name of Jesus, I have asked Jesus to forgive me of all my sins.
Two months later, when I had left the prison and came home, I had nothing at home. Somebody had put a truck in front of our home and had taken away all of my belongings. That night a brother named Jeff had invited me over to his house, but because I had just wanted to be left alone, I wanted to sleep in an empty home. Thanks to him, at midnight, he had brought a blanket for me. I had neither a job nor I had any money in my pocket. Perhaps, my pastor may remember. I remember just like yesterday, we were sitting at the church office, we were talking, he had given me 30TL from his pocket until I could find a job and could make a living. On that day, if the Lord had not spoken through you, if the Lord had not held my hand through you, I do not know where I would be today. On that day, we were praying together, meanwhile I was crying, too and at that moment, Ramazan asked me the question “What would you like to do now?” If Ramazan had not asked me this question, perhaps I may not have answered like this “I will start everything from scratch!”
And so it has happened that way, I have not thought of my past had been nullified, I have started everything together with Jesus Christ. My dear friend, if you have read what I have written until the end; I am asking the same question to you “What would you like to do now?”
Erkan FIRAT / Elder Of Antalya Evangelical Church